Secret Santa
by nat-chan
Summary: Thanks to the scheming of Andrew, our favorite enemies draw each other for Secret Santa.
1. Chapter 1

Title: **Secret Santa**

Author: **Nat-chan**

Disclaimer: Coming out of retirement to write this is insanity—I mean _disclaimer_—is enough! ;-)

* * *

It can be said that Darien Shields had no Christmas spirit. Of any kind. 

In answer to this the universe vested his closest friend Andrew, with twice the normal dosage.

This inevitably led to the following.

* * *

"_WHAT? NO! I DON'T BELIEVE IT! I REFUSE!"_

This deluge was shrieked at astronomical decimals by one Serena Tsukino after drawing her Secret Santa in the arcade.

Andrew's face remained remarkably unalarmed. It can be said there was a little of the nick in his smile. St. Nick or _the_ Nick, you decide.

"THIS IS WORSE THAN GETTING AMY!" Serena wailed.

Amy stiffened, having drawn Serena as her Secret Santa and crossed off the rare comic book she had been planning to pick her up. A math textbook was now the plan.

Lita, Rei and Mina looked very annoyed indeed. Exactly which one of them was considered worse to buy for than _Amy_?

"Who did you draw Meatballbrains?" demanded Rei, "And you'd _better_ not say me!"

"It's _Secret_ Santa," Andrew reminded them cheerfully.

"DARIEN SHIELDS!!!!" Serena shouted, completely ignoring Andrew and his hideous _cheer_, "You didn't tell me _he_ would be in the basket! I never would have agreed! Never!"

Rei looked ready to laugh but a cautionary glance from Lita forced her to muffle it in her sleeve.

"Don't worry Serena," Andrew reassured her, his eyes making happy upside down "U's" on his face, "I'm sure I can help you out in figuring out what he likes."

"LIKES?" Serena hollered, "That….that _fungus_ doesn't like anything! He is anti-Christmas! He is SCROOGE!!!!!"

"Well he likes making fun of you!" Rei teased, abandoning caution, reason….safety, "You could just dress up like spaghetti and meatballs! I'm sure that would totally make his Christmas!"

Serena turned with daggers in her eyes, huffing like a dragon and even Rei quailed enough to back up a few steps. Then she turned back to Andrew and thrust the offending paper at him, "HERE! TAKE IT! I DEMAND A DIFFERENT ONE!"

"Sorry Serena, no can do! They're all gone!" lied Andrew.

"But…..I was sure I felt lots in there!"

Andrew hastily turned the basket over behind the counter and held it up empty, "See? All gone! The girls picked the rest."

Serena looked crushed.

Andrew wrote out something on a piece of paper, "Here's his email address and his facebook account is Darien Shields. I'm sure you can figure something out!"

Andrew's cheer had magical properties, as everyone well knew. Serena looked appropriately downcast, but she took the paper and left the arcade, muttering darkly to herself.

Once she was out the door Amy turned to the other girls with a disgusted look, "Anyone want to trade me? I definitely don't want Serena as my Secret Santa now!"

Rei frowned. Lita frowned. Mina frowned.

"What do you mean you got Serena? _I_ got Serena!"

"So did I!"

"Me too!"

They turned from their papers to Andrew who was still smiling. Having collected all the papers from the floor he triumphantly held up the basket, "Of course you did. Every paper in here says Serena!"

Amy was looking at him like he had three heads, "Then how did Serena draw Darien?"

Andrew smiled on, unfazed, "Oh, hers came from _this_ basket!"

A second, identical basket appeared.

A moment of silence followed.

"Uh, is there a bigger picture we're missing here Andrew?" asked Rei.

"Of course there is!" he happily replied, "You see, it came to me as I was putting the finishing touches on my handmade Christmas Ornaments! The glasswork is very delicate and the high efficiency cement I use is equally tricky—"

(It was at this moment all four girls realized just how into Christmas Andrew really was).

"—Anyway, to make a long story short, a few small pieces escaped my grasp, they happened to be tiny yellow circles, and attached themselves to one of my angels, in just the same spot Serena's meatballs are and I thought to myself, I suppose that hairstyle _does_ look a bit like meatballs but Darien really takes it too far. He really seems to enjoy teasing her though, just to get a reaction—Then it hit me! It was all so clear! Darien is _in love_ with Serena!"

The silence ripe with disbelief that followed seemed to miss Andrew's victorious aura altogether.

"Don't you see? He teases her because he likes her! He _likes_ her! It all makes sense!"

Even Mina, a certified romantic, looked skeptical, "Andrew! Those two are like that old expression, _a man without a woman is like a fish without an icicle_."

"Don't you mean_bicycle_ Mina?" scoffed Rei.

"But that doesn't make any sense!" replied Mina.

Amy was unable to fathom a way _icicle_ did either and simply gave up.

"Back to the bigger picture girls!" Andrew piped in, "Here's the thing: Darien wouldn't know how to communicate feelings of _like_ anymore then he knows what Christmas spirit is all about!"

Rei sat down and propped her chin on her hand, resigned to hearing this insanity to its end. The other girls followed suit.

"And why exactly doesn't he have Christmas spirit?" Rei quipped wearily adding, "You'd better get us hot chocolates for this."

Andrew happily obliged and over steaming mugs confided, "Darien grew up on his own really. He lost his parents when he was six and can't remember them because of the accident. He lived in an orphanage until he came by his inheritance in his teens, then he got his own place and started working while he was in school. He has no other family either."

The girls were properly horrified, "That's terrible!" Mina gasped.

Lita sat up straight, "I understand about making it on your own!" she said firmly, "And I know what kinds of things really helped me—maybe they'd help him too!"

"Good, good," replied Andrew, "Because you girls are an intricate part of my master plan! I need you to help Darien learn about Christmas spirit and encourage him to get Serena what he really wants to get her for Christmas."

The girls looked really interested now but at that precise moment the afore-mentioned Scrooge-tastic one entered the arcade.

In a heartbeat Andrew had the baskets under the counter and hissed, "_Play along!_" before immediately greeting Darien, "Hey Dare! How're the exams going?"

Darien looked remarkably relaxed, "Last one was today Andrew! All done!"

He sat down at the counter beside the girls, thumping down his book bag and revealing a heavy looking physics textbook and some alarmingly tidy notes, colour-coded and indexed to a degree that Amy found highly impressive. She made a mental note to ask him about his system when she got the chance.

"Congratulations buddy! You've come to the right place to celebrate!"

Moments later a truly frothy looking iced coffee appeared before Darien and he gave it a very appreciative look. He took a heady sip, unsuspecting and as it traveled deliciously down his throat Andrew pulled out a basket with one piece of paper left in it.

"The girls and I pooled into a Secret Santa gift exchange. Would you like to join in?"

"Secret Santa?" he replied.

The coffee was delicious. Andrew's powerful cheer was working overtime. Darien looked to the girls and mentally noted that he knew enough about each to pick up something with relative ease.

"Sure, why not?"

Andrew masked his glee and calmly held out the basket, "Shut your eyes and draw!" he cheerfully commanded.

Darien humoured him and obeyed. The basket disappeared and Darien unfolded the paper. A strange look came over his face, and then he burst out laughing.

"Fantastic! Andrew, you didn't tell me the Meatballhead was in on this! This'll be easy! I'll get her some spaghetti! Ha ha ha!"

Andrew frowned, "Dare, Secret Santa is about choosing a gift you know the other person will like!"

"She loves food! What's the problem?"

Rei shook her head. Andrew trudged valiantly on, "Sorry bud, but Secret Santa has rules you know!"

"Rules?" Scoffed Darien, "What rules? It's not like there's a handbook!"

"Au contraire," Andrew chimed and produced a festively coloured tome, "There is."

Darien frowned, "You've got to be kidding me! Is that thing even legally binding?"

Andrew's smile was back in place, "As a matter of face it is, now that you've drawn a name. You are not allowed to purchase a secret santa gift that in anyway defames, mocks or marginalizes the person you have drawn. Section 10, subparagraph 9."

"Let me see that," Darien said beginning to sound rather grouchy.

He read for several long minutes, flipped to the front to see who published such a book and then seemed resigned to his fate.

"Great," he informed Andrew, "Just great! The last thing I want to do is try to pick out some girly gift for the shrieking meatball!"

He stood up and grabbed his bag, "This is the last one of your schemes I fall for Andrew!" he proclaimed.

On his way out he shot a desperate look to the girls, "Why couldn't I have drawn Amy? _Her_ I could buy for easy!"

After Darien was gone Amy looked rather regretful, "I might have had advanced university textbooks for Christmas!" she moaned.

Andrew looked properly affronted, "Amy! Are you saying you would trade your friend's happiness for text books?"

Amy looked away but muttered, "Maybe for a Heisenberg Organic Chemistry Advanced Theory textbook….."

Andrew ignored her and said dramatically, "Girls, you have your work cut out for you."

Lita looked down, palming her forehead. Mina shut her eyes.

"Andrew, are you delusional?" Rei barked, "Those two hate each other!"

"There's a fine line…" Andrew quoted and pulled out a small black object.

It was Darien's wallet.

Everyone's eyebrows went up.

"I knew you would need evidence and it's really easy to get him to forget his wallet. He does it all the time."

That said he opened the wallet and took out a rather yellowed, deeply creased photo which he unfolded. It was all of them at the arcade.

"Isn't that from last spring?" Lita asked.

"Yup," Andrew replied, "I gave him a copy."

That said he folded it back up exactly as it had been. It folded up until it was just Serena in the photo.

A moment of silence followed. This time it was ripe with belief, even though the first thing someone said was, "I don't believe it!"


	2. Chapter 2

Secret Santa

Chapter 2

Author: nat-chan

Disclaimer: fa la la la la, la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaa ;-) I don't own Sailormoon.

AN's: Yes, I realize we are heading towards Valentine's Day….at this rate I will finish by NEXT Christmas. ;)

Serena marched home with considerably dampened spirits and, it can be said, a lowered opinion on the seemingly innocuous intentions of Andrew.

She patted her word of the day calendar with affection, "In-ocu-ous. Word of the day calendar, you never fail to be….flip flip flip _relevant_!"

She propped open her expressive pink laptop and logged into msn. Might as well add Sir Fungas, and see if there was anything he liked that _wasn't_ evil.

Into "add a new contact" she typed darienshields at hotmail dot com (email address a total bore! _What_ a surprise!). Moments later she was added (Darien was never to tell anyone about the reaction in his heart when a window popped up announcing _You have an add request from moonprincessserena at hotmail dot com_) and Darien's username appeared as **Darien; studying**.

(Another huge surprise! Har har!)

Then a message popped up: "Thanks for the add! I am permanently changing your nickname to Meatballhead on my msn!"

Serena's eyes narrowed, "I'd change yours to BFZero but it would be an insult to the alphabet!" she replied.

"You know the alphabet?" Darien immediately returned.

"Better than you! Bet you can't figure out what B & F stand for!" she taunted.

Her taunt hit home. He really couldn't.

She headed for facebook, laughing victoriously as he suddenly went "offline". Sure enough, searching Darien Shields brought up his page. Like Serena herself, he had left out many of the personal information questions—though probably for different reasons. Serena recalled reading "Political Views? Blech!"

If she read further she might have noticed his lengthy list of musical favorites, books, movies and quotes (some of which, gasp, they actually shared) but she never made it past his profile picture. It stared back at her like the world's greatest paradox. It was Darien, making his usual wry face, and painted across it was an enormous, clumsy, wordpaint mustache.

Meanstwhile, back at the Arcade, Andrew was whistling a happy Christmas tune, wiping down the counters with an expression of absolute innocence, the girls seated on nearby stools, when Mamoru stormed back in, huffing much as he had during his exit.

"After all our years of friendship," he barked at Andrew, "You'd think you would _tell_ me when I leave my wallet on the counter _before_ I leave!"

"Didn't notice 'til after you were gone buddy," Andrew chirped, "You left in a bit of a huff you know."

Darien took an audibly calming breath. It failed.

"Just give me my wallet please. I might as well get started on my shopping trip of _doom_!"

Andrew gave him a suddenly shrewd look, "What's the worry? Haven't you already had something in mind for months? Why don't you pick her up that certain something you've been itching to buy her?"

Several indescribable expressions passed over the face of Darien Shields, none of them particularly Christmas-y but all containing a sizable amount of horror. His gaze darted to the girls who quickly pretended to be occupied and unable to hear what they were saying, then back to Andrew.

"_How do you know about that?"_ he hissed, leaning towards him with equal parts threat and fear in his eyes.

Andrew smiled the smile of a victorious friend, "Because old buddy, I know you better than you know yourself sometimes. Everyone has a little bit of Christmas spirit in them! Everyone! Even you."

Darien snatched back his wallet with a long suffering eye-roll, "Spying? You've taken to spying on me in your desperate quest for Christmas spirit redemption in all who surround you? Isn't that a little _out_ of the Christmas spirit on your part?"

"Some boundaries much be sacrificed for the greater good," Andrew assured him, "Santa's on my side, trust me."

"First of all, I do _not_ have Christmas spirit. Second, that thing you _thought_ you saw me looking at isn't what you think at all!"

Andrew gave a long suffering eye-roll of his own, "Fine. In that case it sounds like you could use some help and I know _just_ the people to ask---Oh girls! Could you come over here?"

The speed with which they all looked up along with an abundance of over-exaagerated casualness as they joined him revealed to Darien that they hadn't missed a thing and he knew a moment of feeling the universe was against him in particular. Had he done something in a past life?

The girls smiled warmly at him, "Why don't you come shopping with us? You can split off with each of us while we buy for each other and we'll help you pick out something for Serena."

"She's actually pretty easy to buy for," Ami chimed helpfully.

"Yeah, comic books and cand—" Rei began but a heated stare from Andrew cut her short, "cough --that is, er, uh, thoughtful girly gifts that are….pink?"

Fortunately Darien was already being pulled away by Lita towards the door. Andrew saw the slightly defeated slump in his friends shoulders as he left and smiled victoriously.

Alllll according to plan. Ami glanced back and had the uneasy impression, due to the twinkie lighting, that Andrew looked a bit like a Christmas elf…..but evil.


End file.
